I've been busy with work and Pampered Chef stuff and applying for jobs and Andy but nowhere near busy enough to not blog. I've been ill but not properly in bed, off work type ill. Just fed up and tired and in need of an early night.
It's all excuses and rubbish ones at that.
The real reason I haven't been here is shame. I am failing. I want to diet but I can't find any willpower. I'm not hungry. I have a really good level of restriction. I just want to eat crap. I know it is all in my head but I can't get over it. I don't psych myself up for the gym enough. It seems at the moment the "blustery wind"
(read icy Siberian gales) mean I just need to come home and curl up under a blanket.
I go to Mexico in 19 days!!!!!! 19!!!!! And I have lost 3 lbs of my 21 lbs target. Pathetic. Rubbish. I should hang my head in shame. I mean that has to be some of the best motivation ever, right?
But my boyfriend loves me and I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years. Maybe for the first time ever. I will get there, eventually. Not in time for Mexico. Maybe not by the summer but I am still winning the war.
How is it that the half term week off becomes an insane week of trying to do every job under the sun?
I had coffee with a friend this morning and a lovely little snack lunch with friends after. Just as I got home and was getting ready to go to the gym, I got a frantic phone call from another friend who was stuck with her husband and 3 year old in a town 10 miles from me (25 miles from her house) with no way of getting home. They had been there for over an hour and it had taken them 2 hours to get there from London (should have taken 30 minutes). I boldly went to her rescue. I've not been to rescue somebody in quite a while. It was really exciting but by the time I got home again, I had lost all will for the gym.
How do you keep the will, when you could just give up?
Hello Blogland, happy belated Valentine's day. I am a very happy and extremely lucky girl. I have been trying hard with my shake diet but I haven't mastered the self restraint I showed on day 3.
Andy and I had a really wonderful 3 course dinner (Baked Camembert, lamb shanks in garlic, rosemary and red wine gravy with green veg and minted new potatoes and a raspberry, cream and chocolate topped shortbread dessert). I went to a great deal of effort. It was really important to me that I made an effort. I didn't want it to be like any other date night. I even got dressed up. He was in a foul mood though. He turned up with roses and was really sweet until I gave him his presents. Then he turned into some hideous ungrateful monster. I took the present bag back off him and only gave it back once he snapped out of it. That only happened once he realised how much effort I had put into dinner. Boys are silly sometimes. Other times they do silly sweet things that melt your heart.
Just in case you don't know, peanut butter chocolates are new to the UK. Andy has a stash of the tiny little miniature ones . I only ever have one or 2 at a time. I will be strong. I am on half term break this week. I will go to the gym every single day. I have one chocolate per day. 44 calories each. I can work that off easy peasy. It's a nice little treat though and much more helpful than his previous "just don't eat it" or "I'm not coming over if you don't go to the gym comments."
We had a proper Sunday dinner yesterday. He bought a joint of topside of beef. I can hear you all rolling your eyes. I cooked it. Parts of it was tender but, yes, I got stuck fairly quickly. And of course not just a little stuck. I hadn't noticed right away (so sue me I was hungry and not taking enough notice). I really like that we can be open enough with each other now. The first conversation went like this:
(I get up and walk out of the living room)
A: You ok?
Me: Depends on how you define ok.
A: You going to throw up?
Me: Yep.
A: Ok. (Carries on eating dinner)
Four trips to the bathroom later the offending piece finally dislodged
itself. I had managed to make a bit of a drama out of the whole thing
though. I was even at one point curled up next to him on the sofa with
him checking it had happened before and I didn't need rushing to
A&E.
I finished at my school on Friday. I had a ton of presents and cards. These are just about half of them. Can you say spoiled rotten?
I shall miss my class like crazy. They were real sweeties but I am excited about what might or might not come next. I have so much more confidence than I did when I left my last school and I am certain I will find just the right job soon. For now I think doing some supply and not half a ton of planning and assessment stuff will be a welcome change. More time for getting to the gym on a daily basis.
I had 3 cupcakes left on my desk over the course of today. Birthdays are a big deal when you're turning 7 and lots if families have been baking as we have been learning to weigh and measure. They are all trying to kill me with kindness, I tell you.
But no. I did not eat any cupcakes today. Nor did I smell or gaze longingly at them. I removed them and carried on.
Only 51 days until Mexico and then I shall eat cake and ice cream and bread and rice and chocolate and drink cocktails and wine and anything else my little skinny tummy desires. 😋
I've had a rubbish day. A lot of work stuff is getting on top of me and I miss Andy a ton. He calms me down without even realising it and without him to talk to, I'm getting very anxious. C'est la vie. He'll be home on Saturday. He sends me lovely looking pictures when he can and I get really jealous. Until I remember that I am going to somewhere much warmer in just 52 days!!!!
I met a friend for coffee after work. She tried to tempt me with yummy cakey goodness. I did not succumb. I had a plain black coffee and a glass of water. I did treat myself to a plain 170 g chicken breast and 40 g of cheddar for dinner at 8:30. Carb free and totally in keeping with the Cambridge shakes.
I also bought myself some ketostix on the way home and as of 8 pm tonight. I am showing traces of being in ketosis. 48 hours people. That's not bad going.
I may have bought myself a little holiday treat too.
Yes. Today has been hard. REALLY HARD! In all seriousness though, I actually don't think its been harder than any other being good day. I had cravings that wouldn't go away but I didn't give into them which has been the only thing they have known for the last few weeks/months. I was hungry but not ravenous (thank you band).
I had a fruits of the forest shake for breakfast, apple and cinnamon porridge for lunch and a chocolate mint shake for dinner. I turned down cake and the cheese and bacon calzone I helped cook at my Pampered Chef team meeting.In my head I just keep telling myself 53 days to Mexico. 53 days to Mexico.
I know tomorrow will be harder still but ketosis cannot be too far away.
And none of this is as bad as how much I miss Andy right now. He's skiing and without wifi and so I am without texts and phone calls bar the odd snippet. I can't whinge at him when I will be away for 2 weeks but I really don't think it's fair! :o( Please don't leave me a whole load of comments telling me to suck it up and behave like a grown up, I know I do. I am trying. Honest!
Well my new found motivation from the new year didn't last so well did they. I've been really struggling. I am fighting to keep at the weight I was when I got back from Florida in August and I go to Mexico in less than 8 weeks. Everywhere I go people are tempting me with cake and biscuits like they never have before. I cannot hold my day together enough to scrawl a sentence or 2 on here let alone work out for any extended period although I have been better at the gym than blogging.
Today, I did something drastic and very naughty for a bandster. I went to see my old Cambridge diet lady and have put myself back on a shakes and meal replacements. In all honesty, I don't know if I'm doing it because I need the sugar detox or because I need to reset the general sorts of foods I am eating. My plan is to do it for a couple of weeks and then gradually reintroduce some protein foods until I am working the keto thing Ronnie styleeeeee. Of course I may keep at it all the way until Mexico. I want AT LEAST 21 lbs off. I have some old summery clothes that will fit at that weight and some new bikinis which will look a lot better there rather than where I am now.
I haven't told A2 yet (or Andy as he will be known from now on). I don't think he will approve at all. He's skiing this week and I miss him like crazy but since I am away for 2 weeks laying by a pool and jumping in the ocean in a bikini without him, I have to grin and bear it. I've discussed it with my consultant and she thinks it might be worth if I have to eat (usually once/twice a week) I stick to a very strict carb free plan. He will understand that. My work colleagues will understand that at our work meal on Friday. I can work round that on Valentine's day. In the mean time, I can force myself to stick to this. I can. I will.
Has anyone else done a shake diet post band? Was it better/easier than pre band? I'll be posting here. I'm going to try and do something little every day.
Finally, I just want to say a massive congratulations to Ronnie. She was my major motivation in trying online dating. I hope Andy and I can be as happy as you and Stephen are. And also to Laura . You are going to be one pretty amazing mummy my girl. I'm majorly excited for you and can't wait to read all your baby blog installments.
I've got to do some catch up blogging but that will take time. Sorry if I've missed anyone. xx
A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.
-- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
I'm feeling rubbish. Lack of sleep and not so good eating. Thankfully I can allow myself a night on the sofa with bones tonight. I need to do something more proactive about losing weight though. Eating crap and wishing it away doesn't work so well, even with the odd bit of exercise thrown in. I am not hungry. It's all in my head but my sane side isn't winning. Xx
Don't you just hate it when things do not go to plan?
I'm behind with my school work because I was enjoying myself far too much (having fun with A2, working out and watching TV) over Christmas to get it done - d'oh!
We started back today with a day of meetings. There was no coffee in the staff room. At break time I headed down to the dining room where we were being given chocolate croissants. Yum. Then at lunch I choose the ravioli (a small portion) rather than the burger and wedges but was then given a chocolate doughnut.
I was cross with myself after I ate it. I texted A2 about how they were trying to corrupt my good intentions.
"Just don't eat it!" he said.
"Thanks babe," I replied, "that hadn't occured to me."
Later this afternoon I was given some sad ish news. It's been expected but I'm a little sad nonetheless. The teacher I am covering for is hoping to return to work after the half term break in February. I'm loving it so much at this school with my lovely class, I shall really miss them. I am pleased she is better though. That's a good thing. I just wish there were jobs for both of us.
How did it get to be Sunday so quickly. I have so much to do and all I really want to do is curl up on the sofa with my lovely boyfriend and watch rubbish on TV whilst eating yummy rubbish and not thinking about the calories.
I go back to school tomorrow. Hmmmmm.
I go to Mexico in 11 weeks and 6 days. Eeeeeek!
I need to loose weight. Blah.
I need to work out again now I can move. I couldn't move again when I woke up on Friday, Zumba didn't happen. We went to London, had a brilliant time although our ghost walk guide was more long winded than I would have liked. We saw lots of pretty Christmas lights before they go away. We ended up next to the Tower of London. Its not a busy place late on a Friday night but we managed to find a restaurant that was open. We shared some Italian bread with balsamic vinegar, (yum!) Then I had goat cheese ravioli with tomato sauce and pesto drizzle. It was really nice. One of the reasons I chose it was that it was a healthy option; advertised as being 650 calories or less. I'm not sure it really was but it was definitely better than the alternative I was considering.We skipped dessert in favour of grabbing some ice-cream to eat when we got home. I wanted to go to the store in St Pancras station but A2 felt that we should go to a supermarket that would definitely have something. It was round the corner from Kings Cross where we were getting the train home. It's not the nicest area. I used to work not far away and have walked through the station and area late at night before. It was scarier this time. I clung onto him for dear life. I've never been that girl. It was very odd but he stepped up to the whole I'll protect you role quite well given he didn't have to actually do anything.
I only had 1/2 scoop of ice cream. (Not 1/2 cup, I'm British, we don't do cups) It wasn't nice. He knows I love creme brulee and felt that I should have creme brulee ice cream (gag!) I did say I'd rather have chocolate but I think he thought I was trying to be nice and give him what he wanted. He will learn.
MandaPanda has suggested that A2 needs a new nickname. For those of you that missed it, we met through online dating after some other dodgy dates. The first A caused much debate because I nearly backed out at the last minute when I discovered he had a ring through his nose (like a bull!) When I get him to agree to actually let me get a good photo of him/us, I'll upgrade to an actual name but for now any funny suggestions are more than welcome.
1) I went to the zoo with A2 yesterday. We had the best time. Even though the schools are still off and the rain was away, it was dead. He said at one point that even the balls of tumbleweed had left us with the place to ourselves.
2) We saw a very scary fight where the pride of lions ganged up on one lioness and were really going for her. I was distressed, the few children that were there were so excited they were practically licking the glass. Kids love some fighting, be it in cartoons or animals at the zoo.
3) The giraffe house was closed because the new baby had a cold. (?) Apparently giraffes get colds just like people only with more snot. Lovely huh. So they shut them all in to keep her warm and help her fight it off.
4) I took no photos though so you'll have to keep waiting for the official couple boyfriend/girlfriend shot. Oh yes, because that is officially what we are now. I'm excited. I'm so crazy about this boy, it's unreal.
5) After all the exercise, I was really aching in my legs yesterday. Walking around the zoo did not help. When I got into the car, I actually yelped as I sat down. When we got back to A2's house, I could not sit down on the stairs to take off my boots. He had to help.
6) Even though I was all achy and ugg, I sucked it up and went to Body Conditioning and Pilates. How hardcore am I?!!! Body conditioning burned 630 calories!!!!!!!!! Pilates took it up to 941. If truth be told I was a little gutted I didn't make it to 1000. How awesome would that have been?
7) Today I hurt so much, I wanted to cry getting out of bed. I was then glad I didn't make it to 1000. I would have been dead.
8) I sabotaged myself again and ate my own weight in chocolate biscuits. I really thought I had kicked this habit. BAD SARAH!!!!
9) I wasn't booked in for classes today (because they are pants classes on Thursdays) and I couldn't have done my gym workout so I swam. It was a saga. I wanted to see how fast I could do 40 lengths. I wanted to see how many calories I would burn. My heart rate monitor wouldn't talk to my watch. I need to look into it because it's happened before in the pool. I went into the changing rooms, adjusted, tightened but it wouldn't play. So I just swam. Quite calmly. I did 35 lengths and then had 5 minutes in the sauna. MFP says 506 calories. Doesn't feel like that many to me though.
10) I am so excited about tomorrow!!!! Zumba in the morning then A2 and I are off into London to see the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum, eat some Sushi (because I never have) and then on a ghost walk. I love the Christmas holidays.
Firstly I have to post my latest NSV. Do you remember ages ago, how looking back at pictures of me from years ago, it was agreed I look younger now? Well I've just had to send my passport off for renewal. Photos 10 years apart. 21 and 31. You be the judge of when I look better. And before you say it, I know passport photos are meant to look like crap but they are BOTH passport photos!!!!
A few days after Christmas, I weighed in at 13 st 12 3/4 (no sorry, I can't tell you what that was in pounds or kilos). It's 7 lbs (half a stone!) up from my lightest. This morning, I weighed in at 13 st 10 1/2. Not too shabby. The gym was closed yesterday so A2 and I went for a long walk and then got some late lunch/early dinner. I have another gym date tonight. My legs are killing me and I'm not sure if after a day at the zoo, they'll be any better but I'm going to do it. I won't save myself if I give up when my legs ache. Xx
Did you read this post from LBG? It's about a friend of her's who saved her own life from the 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia by running up stairs for over a mile! And I seriously doubt it was running up stairs like I run up stairs to grab my phone or go to the bathroom. She must have been sprinting up them to get away from that water because it came fast. I mean those things come in at 50-60 mph. Faster than cars on standard roads around the UK. About a mile a minute! With a 3 minute head start, you may out run it doing a 4 minute mile!!! Seriously. 15 mph. Can you run that fast? I can't. Even doing 30 second intervals. I can't. Not even remotely close. And that's on the flat. I couldn't have saved myself. I would have been one of the people she passed on the steps, unable to go faster, unable to catch my breath, even though I am fitter than I have been in years, even though I can run hard intervals, push my heart rate into the 170s, lift weights heavier than my dad and run up two or three flights of stairs, I could not have come close. I said as much to LBG. I told her I would use this story to get my arse back into exercise mode. I will tell it to myself every day. I will say over and over again, "I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SAVE MYSELF!"
The thing that gets me most though, is that she didn't just save herself, she picked up a toddler and carried that child from certain death to safety. She's a heroin. I couldn't save myself and she saved another person. How many parents, climbing those stairs, couldn't pick up their own child and run with them? How many of us bandsters couldn't pick up our children when we started our journeys? How many of us could pick up a child and run down the street? For a bus? Out of a tube station?
I made a decision today. I want children. I always have. I want to be a good parent. I've waited to meet the right man and to start a family when the time is right. Today I realised that I have to be able to save my children in an emergency. I'm not talking running a 4 minute mile carrying a 30 lb toddler but I have to be in the best physical shape of my life. I will be. I am not just saving myself, I am saving my children.
I started today. I kicked arse at the gym. Yes, I've been away from there for nearly as long as I've not blogged. I pushed hard. I did my old program but added on weights and used a harder level on the bike and cross trainer (elliptical). I dripped sweat on everything. It was disgusting. The result was 560 calories burned. I am proud. Have you made yourself proud today?
Oh my goodness, it has been so very long since I last blogged. I can't quite believe it. I knew it was November but I really thought it was nearer the end than the beginning. I always feel bad when I post without reading so I've started a few times but never got to the posting bit. My new year resolution is going to be to make sure I post at least 3 times a week. And get to the gym come to that. And maybe even church.
In the last 8 weeks, I have been crazy busy at school. Every week I thought it would get easier. It didn't. Every week A2 and I have tried to get midweek time together, it hasn't happened. Every week I have meant to watch my calories, get to the gym and loose more weight. I haven't done that. I meant to blog. I meant to read your blogs. I've been slack. I've missed you all.
So the highlights of the last nearly 2 months
* I have put on 6 -7 lbs. That includes Christmas but it was largely across the whole of December. Bad Sarah!
* I had a very small defill at the start of December. I was getting stuck several times a week. I focused on chewing, small bites, taking it slow etc. It didn't help much. There was no 'wiggle' room. The slightest mistake and the whole lot came back up. I had 0.05ml taken out. ("What was the ****ing point in that?" said A2) I've PBed only twice since. Tiny bits! whoop whoop. I'm still not hungry but I do still crave chocolate and other such crap.
* A2 and I are still going strong. It's a bit weird because we are still not officially in a relationship but neither of us is/wants to/intends to see anyone else and there has still been none of the preferred exercise (yes we are very restrained) but the "L" word has been exchanged (starting with him!)Watch this space.
* I'm feeling about 100 billion times happier than this time last year. I can see good things in my future. I can see myself succeeding in my ever ongoing weight battle (I mean if I had ever taken 2 months off before, I would have gained a lot more than 6-7 lbs) and I am so much more positive about my mum's illness. I know she is still terminally ill but her treatment is extending her life and every single day is a blessing.
That's all for now. Please excuse the lack of comments as I read. I can't wait to find out how you're all getting on. I've missed you.
Thank you Laura. I love the randomness Thursday's in blogland.
1) We don't really do Halloween over here; not for grown ups who aren't off drinking anyways. But since I am feeling left out of the costume photos, here is one of me in 2010 at a friend's 30th.
Do you know who I am?
2) I made that costume. From scratch. Myself! Yes I am fabulous. Thanks very much.
3) All my left over Halloween sweets went in the bin. I ate 3 yesterday, 3
today and that could have continued for a while. Don't get me wrong, I HATE throwing food out but I was giving it away and this way I don't have to eat it.
4) It's half term this week. One week of no school. I have had TONS to get caught up on. I have finally started organising my Pampered Chef paperwork and got around to clearing out my spare room which was full of all my stuff from my old school. Most of it is in the loft but at least I have a useable guest room again rather than a room fit for the Hoarders organisers to deal with.
5) I went for lunch with some of the girls I did teacher training with today. One has a new baby and the other has just got married. They are both such lovely people. Everyone needs more friends like them in their lives. I cannot remember how we got onto the subject of how much I have changed since we all first met but it prompted a big discussion. I ended up telling them the story of seeing the ex at the funeral and comparing the photos as that was the year they met me.
January 2005
October 2012
They think I look younger now ... 8 years later ... can you say NSV?!!!!
6) They were really interested in hearing about my blog and surgery and just how everything has changed so much in the last year. I let them read my bandiversary post. They both nearly cried. I promised them I would tell them the web address when I was at goal.
7) I also told them that even if they typed my name, primary teacher, lap band blog and Hertfordshire into google, it wouldn't find me. They would need to be a part of the lap band community because blogs don't just come up. I just tested it. It does. I'm result 2 onwards. Oops.
8) A2 is working too hard. I am off work. This does not make for a balance of texting. I am not happy. I may even be happy to go back to work next week so it doesn't feel like he hasn't texted me in weeks when it has only been an hour or maybe 2.
9) People who have noreply@blogger emails when I want to respond to their comment, suck! Go into settings and tick the share my email box. It allows people to email you back when you comment and say nice things to you. And while I am on the subject get rid of those really annoying prove you aren't a robot word/number insanities! They are HARD! Robots are clever. Probably more clever than me because I could barely cope with one word and now there are 2!!!
10) Dive club tonight. I haven't been in forever. I hope they remember who I am.
Well I was hoping to see this for my bandiversary last week but I have nothing but joy at sharing it with you all now.
**drum roll**
I declare that I am now over half way to my goal weight!!!!
In stones
In pounds
In kilos
This has moved my BMI down to 29.4. I don't know when I went down into the 29's but do you know what this means???
I am NOT obese!!!!!
Who wants to dance around with me like a crazy person? Woo hoo!!
Things are still going well with A2. We've had 7 great dates. It nearly all went wrong on Sunday. We had a bit of a miscommunication. It was all sorted but I hate that it happened. It did mean that we both realised this means a lot to both of us, certainly more than he has let on before. I can't wait to see him again!
Today is my mum's birthday. She's 64. I'm going out to dinner with her and my dad tonight. It should be interesting. I've never been to this restaurant before and my dad, who I don't get on with well, is the ultimate feeder. He loves others to eat lots so his monstrous portions are less obvious. We shall see. I am not keen to see these numbers vanish again. Unless of course I am exchanging them for a lower variety!
5 months today until Mexico and I would really love to loose 2 stone before then, that's 28 lbs for you non-stone working people. It would take me to 11 stone 5 3/4 or 159.8 It's a very healthy and respectable weight but still a little above my goal. To do it though, I will need to get off my arse and work out a bit more. Of course if things moved a bit quicker with A2, I could get an entirely different sort of workout. ;o) xx
Never get me wrong, I LOVE my band but there are times when I want to throttle her.
Whenever I am with A2 I get really gurgle-y. He thinks it's funny. I get hideously embarrassed. I've tried to pass it off as my band when I eat but it doesn't do that any other time. It's just around him!!! I'm now wondering if its a banded equivalent of butterflies in my tummy. Any body else noticed something similar? It's not tight or gassy or anything just gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Lately I've also had a few reflux time incidents. Not badly but annoying. Woken me up twice and always HOURS after I went to bed. I've avoided eating for a while before bed which Catherine mentioned. (I love how we share these things) It's really helped. I ate late last night. A2 was supposed to be taking me for dinner but stuffed himself at the cinema watching Skyfall in the afternoon. (2 packets of popcorn, a hotdog and nachos!!) so there wasn't much point. I had a slice of cheese on toast WAY too late. I knew it would be bad. I woke up at 4 and took something and went back to bed. This morning when I got up at 9, nothing was going down. I felt rough and miserable. I made coffee. Yummy real stuff. I've been trying to cut down on that too since the reflux. 1 little sip, not even a mouthful and all my symptoms vanished. In seconds. Band sprang back open. Reflux feeling went. Vitamins went down a breeze. Now if only coffee sorted the embarrassing gurgle gurgle thing, I'd be onto a winner. Xx
One
year ago, I was in a dark place. Not literally obviously as hospitals,
even private ones, are generally very well lit, but emotionally.
August 2011
My
ex left me in September 2011. I was heart broken. I cried more than I
didn't. Physically doing anything took all my strength. I don't actually
remember how I made it through the days at school. I barely
functioned.
September 2011
I
would never have admitted it but I had a terrible relationship with
food. I ate, probably the same as we all did pre band but in a permanent
state of denial. It was never what I ate. It was always something else.
Whenever I ate, regardless of what I ate, I would berate myself for my
lack of will power, for my endless hunger and cravings. How useless was
I? Not only did I want feeding, but I desired food permanently. I
planned holidays, trips, everything around my desire for food and that
just showed how weak I was. I mean surely normal people didn't dream
about food and feel the need for it 3 times a day. How crazy is
that?!!!! If I ever ate a chocolate biscuit in the staffroom, I would
bargain with myself. I would look in the mirror and demand that my
useless fat body loose weight. It rarely did.
August 2011
So
amongst all this, it became apparent I was working for Lord Voldemort's
evil twin sister. I won't go into the details but basically the woman
decided she didn't like me and the double standards began. I would
follow the same procedures and rules as everyone else but I would be
wrong. I got yelled at in front of staff, children, parents, anyone. She
was hideously unprofessional and very unsupportive. I was to be last
year's scape goat. It's how she works. It is all x's fault. Last year,
mid terrible break up, that was me.
September 2011
Then
just when I thought it could get no worse, it got worse. My beautiful,
wonderful mummy was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her lungs.
It had micro metastasized to her lungs and other than 'delaying tactics'
there is nothing they can do. My mum and I are close. It hit me like a
brick wall at 150 mph. I was as low as I had ever been and the universe
was finding a whole new low for me to crawl into.
August 2011
My 'best friend' could barely be bothered to talk
to me. All she wanted to do was talk about her new perfect relationship
and her new perfect life in her new perfect house. I mean seriously, my
mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she says, "You know where I
am if you need me. You can come and see the house this weekend." (I
think she missed the part where I barely got out of bed for a week!) She
asked me to babysit for her at half term, I said I was busy (I was) and
then a couple of weeks later, I said I was having trouble coping,
working etc and couldn't wait until Easter, her response was "Neither
can I, we're going to Mexico."
September 2011
August 2011
So what has changed in the last year?
I've lost 39.7 lbs
I'm
not halfway but my weight loss did not start moving until well into the
new year. I have 24 weeks until I go to Mexico and if I can loose 1 lb a
week until then, I will be thrilled.It's not the be all and end all
though. I am starting to see my weight as a number not a measure of my
self worth. I've dropped several dress sizes but it depends on the cut,
style as to exactly how many. I can see it though. I can see my shape
has changed. My waist has emerged more. I'm slimmer all over and my
silhouette is looking great. Of course, it'll be better when the next
42.8 lbs has gone. There may be more surgery in my future, an arm lift, a
bum lift, some liposuction maybe but for now, I am satisfied, happy
even.
August 2012
August 2012
I
still love the odd chocolate biscuit but I never make myself feel
guilty about them anymore. If I eat them, I eat them. I will do better
tomorrow or the next day. I am winning the war but I am not in a sprint
for the finish. It doesn't make me queen of the bandsters or super
banded Sarah but it makes me normal. I don't think twice about going out
for lunch, dinner, a drink. I don't worry about how fast the numbers
are going down and that means that once in a while I can treat myself. I
know if I was religiously on track, I would be a lot closer to my goal
but being mentally closer to a healthy relationship with food, beats
that hands down.
August 2012
August 2012
So
while some friendships fell apart at the seems, others have been
cemented. Local friends who know have come into their own and brand new
friendships have been forged. Many of them crossing international
borders. I cannot wait to meet many more of you in person. You are
incredible and inspiring women who make me want to strive to do better,
be better every day. When I don't blog, I think about you. When you
don't blog, I think about you. You are my friends, my biggest blessing
from this year. You have been the rocks I needed in the tough times. I
cannot thank you enough. I love you all. Lots.
July 2012
August 2012
I
came back from the States in August and fell into a pretty incredible
new job at a new school. I am covering for another teacher on long term
sick. I have a beautiful class. They make my heart sing. I work
alongside another amazing teacher, the Head is great and incredibly
friendly and although like every school there are little things you
would change if you could, I have really landed on my feet. I'm crossing
my fingers that something will happen so that I can stay but not in a
bad luck for anyone else type of way.
August 2012
August 2012
And for those of you still holding your breath ...
yes things are going very well, albeit very slowly with A2. I REALLY
REALLY like him but I am not keen on this very slow thing. In my head
(because part of the evil brain still resides in there) if he isn't
trying it on, he can't fancy me that much. We've talked about it. He
says he does. He says he wants to get to know me and trust me first but
queen of the skeptics here is starting to believe that if he doesn't
feel that way yet after a month of pretty much non stop texts, will he
ever? I know that I just need to be patient but I'm the girl, I should
be beating him off with a stick not be trying to talk him into bed.
Someone has pointed out that my issue with it, is my lack of control.
It's all very vague wishy washy rules that I swear he makes up as he
goes along just to be awkward. It really doesn't seem to be of any
religious or personal belief. However, I am being a good girl and going
at his pace. No girl would ever be expected to say "I'll be ready in x
dates or x weeks" but I do think I may go crazy before we get there. I
don't know if he's "the one" and it's way to early to be using
boyfriend/girlfriend terms yet let alone the L words but the butterflies
are back. I feel special again. Maybe just maybe, I will find love
again.
September 2012
October 2012
For
those of you who haven't cottoned on, today is my one year
bandiversary. One year ago today, I was recovering from surgery with
very very low blood pressure and the urge to throw up and pass out
simultaneously as soon as I stood up (seriously I had to sit down
walking the 5 metres from my bed to the toilet). I thought the lap band
would change my life. I thought it would make me thin. I expected to
have lost all my weight by now. I NEVER realised the lap band would do
so much more. Nobody told me a band around your stomach can find you new
friends, help fix your head issues and mend a broken heart. Getting the
band was without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done. I may change
my mind about this when I have children or get married but for now ...
definitely. I celebrated with a chocolate muffin when I met up with some
friends after work and a new dress. (Fat Face size 12 - UK size 12
because I'm English! Whoop Whoop!)
Band, you've turned my world around. Thank you xx
August 2012
So
my final thought came to me via a song on the radio on my journey to
work today. Last year, I could NEVER have predicted the changes in my
life over the last year. There were days when I thought I wouldn't make
it, when I truly believed my heart would break before I made it to the
end. Strength is granted to us all and even when I was holding on by the
skin of your teeth, I was holding on and if I can, anyone can. Thank
you for holding on with me when I needed you. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
So when even a tiny bit more comes off the scale, it warrants and post and a round of applause and a pat on the back. And balloons. And champagne. And chocolate biscuits.
Girls, I cannot thank you enough for those words of support yesterday. I am not really an anxious person but certain situations really bring it out in me. Yesterday, when I posted I was full on ready to hyperventilate and hide in the bath tub, Laura Belle stylie. Heaven knows how she does it because my one little panic is nothing compared to how much she goes through but you all came running to my rescue. Perhaps it was the 4 emails I coincidentally got as I was walking out to the car from a certain online dating success story. Perhaps it was the million emails telling me I looked hot. Perhaps it was because A2 is just amazing, my anxiety disappeared very quickly. It was a great night. There was kissing and hand-holding and we had seats in a quiet little corner of the bar and had long chats while time slipped by so fast I didn't quite believe it when it was time to go home. He was a perfect gentleman, brought me home, didn't come in and text me when he got home. And again this morning. I really like him. I know it's very early days and I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up or read more into it than there is but he really is pretty amazing. I can't wait to see him again.
My pre date dinner was almost impossible to eat I was so panicked, so I put it in the fridge and heated it up when I got home. Problem with eating at 11:30 pm is that I was so hungry I forgot to chew. There are no prizes for guessing what happened next. Next date night, I will have to have dinner before the nerves set in or have mushies on hand for easy shoveling.
