So life isn't great at the moment. Every day is a struggle. My dad hasn't been very well. Nothing majorly serious but it's stressing my mum out. My laptop is dead and my only computer access was via my phone. Until I know what I want, I don't want to spend mega bucks on a new one. I don't understand computer hard wear but it's important to me to discuss it with someone who does before I decide. I spent £1000 plus on my last one. She lasted 4 1/2 years before she went to the big data bank in the sky and I could barely fault her despite spending probably 4-6 hours plus on it most days. Money well spent. I've bought an iPad as an interim measure. I thought I could use it for job hunting, applications and stuff. It's lack of word bugs me no end and the pages software thing loses all word formatting that means I have to rejig it all and that probably takes more time than making it from scratch. Grrrrrr! I still miss Andy terribly. The show of support from my everyone here and my non digital friends have been incredible. I don't remember them being this wonderful when Ed disappeared. Maybe because he was such a knob that they found it very hard to be sympathetic and not tell me how well shot I was. I am still hopeful we can find a way through this. I think, at times, it is the only thing keeping me together.
However May is over now. I need to be more positive and take a more proactive approach to improving my life. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 6 weeks (since I returned from Mexico) and although she has mostly been helping me understand that mine and Andy's issues were not caused by something I said, did, should have done differently and therefore need to criticise myself forever over, she has also been helping me work through my anxiety, negative self image and lack of self worth.
So for June, I am going to be more proactive in increasing my happiness. I am going to so this by taking more control of my diet and exercise, spending more quality time with friends, focusing my energy into things that are important to me and not feeling like a failure if I do not succeed at the first hurdle.
Here are my baby step hurdles for June.
1) loose at least 4 lbs from my weight tomorrow morning
2) go to the gym, pool or exercise classes on at least 3 occasions
3) enjoy at least 3 outdoor physical activities
4) blog at least 10 times. (I know that short and often is a good thing.)
5) read at least one book.
6) log my calories every day for at least 5 days on the trot.
7) enjoy spending time with at least 8 friends.
8) eat some fruit and veg every day.
9) try at least 1 new thing.
10) continue with my counselling sessions.
11) establish what I need from my next laptop.
12) cuddle my cat every day. She makes my heart sing even when times are at their worst.
Here is the list of things I am not going to do.
1) cry if I don't get a job. (The right one is out there somewhere.)
2) feel awful if I don't do the housework. (It will still be there tomorrow.)
3) use negative words about myself. (This is my target from my counsellor.)
4) spend Andy's birthday alone, crying and miserable. (Because how will that help?)
5) apply for jobs I don't really want. (I like doing supply and having my weekends and holidays.)
6) curse the iPad for not being a laptop. (It's doing its job!)
7) beat myself up over decisions on stupid house stuff or financial errands. (I will get to them when I get to them!)
What do you think?
What are you going to do and not do this month?