Things I didn't know a year ago ...

One year ago, I was in a dark place. Not literally obviously as hospitals, even private ones, are generally very well lit, but emotionally.

August 2011

My ex left me in September 2011. I was heart broken. I cried more than I didn't. Physically doing anything took all my strength. I don't actually remember how I made it through the days at school. I barely functioned.

September 2011

I would never have admitted it but I had a terrible relationship with food. I ate, probably the same as we all did pre band but in a permanent state of denial. It was never what I ate. It was always something else. Whenever I ate, regardless of what I ate, I would berate myself for my lack of will power, for my endless hunger and cravings. How useless was I? Not only did I want feeding, but I desired food permanently. I planned holidays, trips, everything around my desire for food and that just showed how weak I was. I mean surely normal people didn't dream about food and feel the need for it 3 times a day. How crazy is that?!!!! If I ever ate a chocolate biscuit in the staffroom, I would bargain with myself. I would look in the mirror and demand that my useless fat body loose weight. It rarely did.

August 2011

So amongst all this, it became apparent I was working for Lord Voldemort's evil twin sister. I won't go into the details but basically the woman decided she didn't like me and the double standards began. I would follow the same procedures and rules as everyone else but I would be wrong. I got yelled at in front of staff, children, parents, anyone. She was hideously unprofessional and very unsupportive. I was to be last year's scape goat. It's how she works. It is all x's fault. Last year, mid terrible break up, that was me. 

September 2011

Then just when I thought it could get no worse, it got worse. My beautiful, wonderful mummy was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her lungs. It had micro metastasized to her lungs and other than 'delaying tactics' there is nothing they can do. My mum and I are close. It hit me like a brick wall at 150 mph. I was as low as I had ever been and the universe was finding a whole new low for me to crawl into.

August 2011

My 'best friend' could barely be bothered to talk to me. All she wanted to do was talk about her new perfect relationship and her new perfect life in her new perfect house. I mean seriously, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she says, "You know where I am if you need me. You can come and see the house this weekend." (I think she missed the part where I barely got out of bed for a week!) She asked me to babysit for her at half term, I said I was busy (I was) and then a couple of weeks later, I said I was having trouble coping, working etc and couldn't wait until Easter, her response was "Neither can I, we're going to Mexico."

September 2011

August 2011

So what has changed in the last year?

I've lost 39.7 lbs

 I'm not halfway but my weight loss did not start moving until well into the new year. I have 24 weeks until I go to Mexico and if I can loose 1 lb a week until then, I will be thrilled.It's not the be all and end all though. I am starting to see my weight as a number not a measure of my self worth. I've dropped several dress sizes but it depends on the cut, style as to exactly how many. I can see it though. I can see my shape has changed. My waist has emerged more. I'm slimmer all over and my silhouette is looking great. Of course, it'll be better when the next 42.8 lbs has gone. There may be more surgery in my future, an arm lift, a bum lift, some liposuction maybe but for now, I am satisfied, happy even.

August 2012

August 2012

I still love the odd chocolate biscuit but I never make myself feel guilty about them anymore. If I eat them, I eat them. I will do better tomorrow or the next day. I am winning the war but I am not in a sprint for the finish. It doesn't make me queen of the bandsters or super banded Sarah but it makes me normal. I don't think twice about going out for lunch, dinner, a drink. I don't worry about how fast the numbers are going down and that means that once in a while I can treat myself. I know if I was religiously on track, I would be a lot closer to my goal but being mentally closer to a healthy relationship with food, beats that hands down. 

August 2012

August 2012

So while some friendships fell apart at the seems, others have been cemented. Local friends who know have come into their own and brand new friendships have been forged. Many of them crossing international borders. I cannot wait to meet many more of you in person. You are incredible and inspiring women who make me want to strive to do better, be better every day. When I don't blog, I think about you. When you don't blog, I think about you. You are my friends, my biggest blessing from this year. You have been the rocks I needed in the tough times. I cannot thank you enough. I love you all. Lots. 

July 2012

August 2012

I came back from the States in August and fell into a pretty incredible new job at a new school. I am covering for another teacher on long term sick. I have a beautiful class. They make my heart sing. I work alongside another amazing teacher, the Head is great and incredibly friendly and although like every school there are little things you would change if you could, I have really landed on my feet. I'm crossing my fingers that something will happen so that I can stay but not in a bad luck for anyone else type of way.

August 2012

August 2012

And for those of you still holding your breath ... yes things are going very well, albeit very slowly with A2. I REALLY REALLY like him but I am not keen on this very slow thing. In my head (because part of the evil brain still resides in there) if he isn't trying it on, he can't fancy me that much. We've talked about it. He says he does. He says he wants to get to know me and trust me first but queen of the skeptics here is starting to believe that if he doesn't feel that way yet after a month of pretty much non stop texts, will he ever? I know that I just need to be patient but I'm the girl, I should be beating him off with a stick not be trying to talk him into bed. Someone has pointed out that my issue with it, is my lack of control. It's all very vague wishy washy rules that I swear he makes up as he goes along just to be awkward. It really doesn't seem to be of any religious or personal belief. However, I am being a good girl and going at his pace. No girl would ever be expected to say "I'll be ready in x dates or x weeks" but I do think I may go crazy before we get there. I don't know if he's "the one" and it's way to early to be using boyfriend/girlfriend terms yet let alone the L words but the butterflies are back. I feel special again. Maybe just maybe, I will find love again.

September 2012

October 2012

For those of you who haven't cottoned on, today is my one year bandiversary. One year ago today, I was recovering from surgery with very very low blood pressure and the urge to throw up and pass out simultaneously as soon as I stood up (seriously I had to sit down walking the 5 metres from my bed to the toilet). I thought the lap band would change my life. I thought it would make me thin. I expected to have lost all my weight by now. I NEVER realised the lap band would do so much more. Nobody told me a band around your stomach can find you new friends, help fix your head issues and mend a broken heart. Getting the band was without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done. I may change my mind about this when I have children or get married but for now ... definitely. I celebrated with a chocolate muffin when I met up with some friends after work and a new dress. (Fat Face size 12 - UK size 12 because I'm English! Whoop Whoop!)

Band, you've turned my world around. Thank you xx

August 2012

So my final thought came to me via a song on the radio on my journey to work today. Last year, I could NEVER have predicted the changes in my life over the last year. There were days when I thought I wouldn't make it, when I truly believed my heart would break before I made it to the end. Strength is granted to us all and even when I was holding on by the skin of your teeth, I was holding on and if I can, anyone can. Thank you for holding on with me when I needed you. xxxxxxxxxxxxx