I can't eat vegetables and other dilemmas

So I had a fill on Saturday. After my massive unfill post Mexico it was much needed. My actual statement to my nurse was "I can eat a cow in 10 minutes!" And it was true. I could. 0.5 ml later I can't. Now I can only eat very very slowly. But after nearly 2 months of guzzling down anything and everything in sight, I have forgotten how to chew to within an inch of my life. Meat is mostly fine. I ate a chicken breast for lunch with BBQ sauce. No problem. Last nights mince with chopped onion, red pepper and courgettes different story.  Chicken tonight with cheese and coleslaw - all reappeared. I am convinced the vegetables are to blame. Just meat and it goes down but add to it and DOOM!!! I am not too tight. I think it's in a really good spot but I must remember to chew chew chew. Guess habits are easier to loose than we realise. 

In target progress news 

1) loose at least 4 lbs from my weight tomorrow morning - 1 so far (not great really)

2) go to the gym, pool or exercise classes on at least 3 occasions - nope

3) enjoy at least 3 outdoor physical activities - I've bought a horse riding groupon. Does that count?m

4) blog at least 10 times. (I know that short and often is a good thing.) - well I'm getting closer

5) read at least one book. - not started

6) log my calories every day for at least 5 days on the trot - managed 2 days

7) enjoy spending time with at least 8 friends. - Check! so far I have seen Ceri, Teresa, Cathy, Clare, Helena, Janet, Louise, Cleve, my mum and I'll squeeze in a few more before the month is out. Whoop whoop. 

8) eat some fruit and veg every day. - I was doing really well with this until the fill caused issues

9) try at least 1 new thing. - I'm not sure where to start with this. It was meant to be about being brave but I haven't found anything to try. 

10) continue with my counselling sessions.- yes still going every week

11) establish what I need from my next laptop. - bought an Apple Mac Pro. I love it but it's very different to a PC and I'm still getting used to the differences. 

12) cuddle my cat every day. She makes my heart sing even when times are at their worst. - she really does although I now have to make regular references to a cat video on you tube when she does certain things. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk

I am doing much better with the I will nots. 

1) cry if I don't get a job. (The right one is out there somewhere.) - I got one

2) feel awful if I don't do the housework. (It will still be there tomorrow.) - check

3) use negative words about myself. (This is my target from my counsellor.) - check

4) spend Andy's birthday alone, crying and miserable. (Because how will that help?) - check ( I cried a little but I texted him and he replied too) 

5) apply for jobs I don't really want. (I like doing supply and having my weekends and holidays.) not applied for any because I got one instead. 

6) curse the iPad for not being a laptop. (It's doing its job!) I bought a laptop so now the iPad lives upstairs and is a fun thing

7) beat myself up over decisions on stupid house stuff or financial errands. (I will get to them when I get to them!) - check. 

So far so good

Starting point.

Following yesterday's post, I weighed myself this morning. I new it would be bad because as I have said multiple times, I've been eating A LOT of crap. Doughnuts, chocolate, cake, biscuits, alcohol, anything sweet or fatty has passed my lips. 

Today I got on the scale and she said 14 stone 0 1/2. (196.4) I'm not crying. It is what it is. It will get better, lower. Back to where I was. Lowest weight was 13 st 3 ish just after I got back from Mexico. That's 11 pounds away. I would like to be there for my birthday in July but it may take a little longer. We shall see. 

Trying

So life isn't great at the moment. Every day is a struggle. My dad hasn't been very well. Nothing majorly serious but it's stressing my mum out. My laptop is dead and my only computer access was via my phone.  Until I know what I want, I don't want to spend mega bucks on a new one. I don't understand computer hard wear but it's important to me to discuss it with someone who does before I decide. I spent £1000 plus on my last one. She lasted 4 1/2 years before she went to the big data bank in the sky and I could barely fault her despite spending probably 4-6 hours plus on it most days. Money well spent. I've bought an iPad as an interim measure. I thought I could use it for job hunting, applications and stuff. It's lack of word bugs me no end and the pages software thing loses all word formatting that means I have to rejig it all and that probably takes more time than making it from scratch. Grrrrrr! I still miss Andy terribly. The show of support from my everyone here and my non digital friends have been incredible. I don't remember them being this wonderful when Ed disappeared. Maybe because he was such a knob that they found it very hard to be sympathetic and not tell me how well shot I was. I am still hopeful we can find a way through this. I think, at times, it is the only thing keeping me together. 

However May is over now. I need to be more positive and take a more proactive approach to improving my life. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 6 weeks (since I returned from Mexico) and although she has mostly been helping me understand that mine and Andy's issues were not caused by something I said, did, should have done differently and therefore need to criticise myself forever over, she has also been helping me work through my anxiety, negative self image and lack of self worth. 

So for June, I am going to be more proactive in increasing my happiness. I am going to so this by taking more control of my diet and exercise, spending more quality time with friends, focusing my energy into things that are important to me and not feeling like a failure if I do not succeed at the first hurdle. 

Here are my baby step hurdles for June.

1) loose at least 4 lbs from my weight tomorrow morning

2) go to the gym, pool or exercise classes on at least 3 occasions

3) enjoy at least 3 outdoor physical activities

4) blog at least 10 times. (I know that short and often is a good thing.)

5) read at least one book.

6) log my calories every day for at least 5 days on the trot.

7) enjoy spending time with at least 8 friends.

8) eat some fruit and veg every day.

9) try at least 1 new thing.

10) continue with my counselling sessions.

11) establish what I need from my next laptop. 

12) cuddle my cat every day. She makes my heart sing even when times are at their worst. 

Here is the list of things I am not going to do.

1) cry if I don't get a job. (The right one is out there somewhere.)

2) feel awful if I don't do the housework. (It will still be there tomorrow.)

3) use negative words about myself. (This is my target from my counsellor.)

4) spend Andy's birthday alone, crying and miserable. (Because how will that help?)

5) apply for jobs I don't really want. (I like doing supply and having my weekends and holidays.)

6) curse the iPad for not being a laptop. (It's doing its job!)

7) beat myself up over decisions on stupid house stuff or financial errands. (I will get to them when I get to them!)

What do you think?

What are you going to do and not do this month?