A new beginning.

I'm still going. 

It's amazing the difference a message from your role model can do. Catherine from Chronicles is mine. We were banded on the same day a few years apart and during my first year, I often asked myself what I thought she would do. She has had similar heart aches, family health concerns and has a job that takes up most of her time too. 

So when she sent me a message saying put down the cookies and get my arse to the gym. I did. I've been twice since then too. It's not a miracle but slowly and surely, I shall overcome.

It was children in need on Friday (UK based charity supporting children with medical conditions, terrible family circumstances or living in extreme poverty). We dressed up as super heroes.  I was super girl complete with Pudsey ears. He's the long standing symbol of children in need. 

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time there was this blogger with a Lapband. She lost a lot of weight and began pulling her life together following many unhappy years. She met a man who made her feel beautiful and special. Then he left. Her heart broke. She  stopped blogging. She spent her days eating chocolate chip cookies and gaining weight. She got a new job, teaching a brilliant class in a lovely school. She was great at it but she wasn't happy. 

She knew this was not the ending she deserved. 

To be continued. ...

I can't eat vegetables and other dilemmas

So I had a fill on Saturday. After my massive unfill post Mexico it was much needed. My actual statement to my nurse was "I can eat a cow in 10 minutes!" And it was true. I could. 0.5 ml later I can't. Now I can only eat very very slowly. But after nearly 2 months of guzzling down anything and everything in sight, I have forgotten how to chew to within an inch of my life. Meat is mostly fine. I ate a chicken breast for lunch with BBQ sauce. No problem. Last nights mince with chopped onion, red pepper and courgettes different story.  Chicken tonight with cheese and coleslaw - all reappeared. I am convinced the vegetables are to blame. Just meat and it goes down but add to it and DOOM!!! I am not too tight. I think it's in a really good spot but I must remember to chew chew chew. Guess habits are easier to loose than we realise. 

In target progress news 

1) loose at least 4 lbs from my weight tomorrow morning - 1 so far (not great really)

2) go to the gym, pool or exercise classes on at least 3 occasions - nope

3) enjoy at least 3 outdoor physical activities - I've bought a horse riding groupon. Does that count?m

4) blog at least 10 times. (I know that short and often is a good thing.) - well I'm getting closer

5) read at least one book. - not started

6) log my calories every day for at least 5 days on the trot - managed 2 days

7) enjoy spending time with at least 8 friends. - Check! so far I have seen Ceri, Teresa, Cathy, Clare, Helena, Janet, Louise, Cleve, my mum and I'll squeeze in a few more before the month is out. Whoop whoop. 

8) eat some fruit and veg every day. - I was doing really well with this until the fill caused issues

9) try at least 1 new thing. - I'm not sure where to start with this. It was meant to be about being brave but I haven't found anything to try. 

10) continue with my counselling sessions.- yes still going every week

11) establish what I need from my next laptop. - bought an Apple Mac Pro. I love it but it's very different to a PC and I'm still getting used to the differences. 

12) cuddle my cat every day. She makes my heart sing even when times are at their worst. - she really does although I now have to make regular references to a cat video on you tube when she does certain things. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk

I am doing much better with the I will nots. 

1) cry if I don't get a job. (The right one is out there somewhere.) - I got one

2) feel awful if I don't do the housework. (It will still be there tomorrow.) - check

3) use negative words about myself. (This is my target from my counsellor.) - check

4) spend Andy's birthday alone, crying and miserable. (Because how will that help?) - check ( I cried a little but I texted him and he replied too) 

5) apply for jobs I don't really want. (I like doing supply and having my weekends and holidays.) not applied for any because I got one instead. 

6) curse the iPad for not being a laptop. (It's doing its job!) I bought a laptop so now the iPad lives upstairs and is a fun thing

7) beat myself up over decisions on stupid house stuff or financial errands. (I will get to them when I get to them!) - check. 

So far so good

Starting point.

Following yesterday's post, I weighed myself this morning. I new it would be bad because as I have said multiple times, I've been eating A LOT of crap. Doughnuts, chocolate, cake, biscuits, alcohol, anything sweet or fatty has passed my lips. 

Today I got on the scale and she said 14 stone 0 1/2. (196.4) I'm not crying. It is what it is. It will get better, lower. Back to where I was. Lowest weight was 13 st 3 ish just after I got back from Mexico. That's 11 pounds away. I would like to be there for my birthday in July but it may take a little longer. We shall see. 

Trying

So life isn't great at the moment. Every day is a struggle. My dad hasn't been very well. Nothing majorly serious but it's stressing my mum out. My laptop is dead and my only computer access was via my phone.  Until I know what I want, I don't want to spend mega bucks on a new one. I don't understand computer hard wear but it's important to me to discuss it with someone who does before I decide. I spent £1000 plus on my last one. She lasted 4 1/2 years before she went to the big data bank in the sky and I could barely fault her despite spending probably 4-6 hours plus on it most days. Money well spent. I've bought an iPad as an interim measure. I thought I could use it for job hunting, applications and stuff. It's lack of word bugs me no end and the pages software thing loses all word formatting that means I have to rejig it all and that probably takes more time than making it from scratch. Grrrrrr! I still miss Andy terribly. The show of support from my everyone here and my non digital friends have been incredible. I don't remember them being this wonderful when Ed disappeared. Maybe because he was such a knob that they found it very hard to be sympathetic and not tell me how well shot I was. I am still hopeful we can find a way through this. I think, at times, it is the only thing keeping me together. 

However May is over now. I need to be more positive and take a more proactive approach to improving my life. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 6 weeks (since I returned from Mexico) and although she has mostly been helping me understand that mine and Andy's issues were not caused by something I said, did, should have done differently and therefore need to criticise myself forever over, she has also been helping me work through my anxiety, negative self image and lack of self worth. 

So for June, I am going to be more proactive in increasing my happiness. I am going to so this by taking more control of my diet and exercise, spending more quality time with friends, focusing my energy into things that are important to me and not feeling like a failure if I do not succeed at the first hurdle. 

Here are my baby step hurdles for June.

1) loose at least 4 lbs from my weight tomorrow morning

2) go to the gym, pool or exercise classes on at least 3 occasions

3) enjoy at least 3 outdoor physical activities

4) blog at least 10 times. (I know that short and often is a good thing.)

5) read at least one book.

6) log my calories every day for at least 5 days on the trot.

7) enjoy spending time with at least 8 friends.

8) eat some fruit and veg every day.

9) try at least 1 new thing.

10) continue with my counselling sessions.

11) establish what I need from my next laptop. 

12) cuddle my cat every day. She makes my heart sing even when times are at their worst. 

Here is the list of things I am not going to do.

1) cry if I don't get a job. (The right one is out there somewhere.)

2) feel awful if I don't do the housework. (It will still be there tomorrow.)

3) use negative words about myself. (This is my target from my counsellor.)

4) spend Andy's birthday alone, crying and miserable. (Because how will that help?)

5) apply for jobs I don't really want. (I like doing supply and having my weekends and holidays.)

6) curse the iPad for not being a laptop. (It's doing its job!)

7) beat myself up over decisions on stupid house stuff or financial errands. (I will get to them when I get to them!)

What do you think?

What are you going to do and not do this month?

Retail therapy

Yay or nay blog land? Opinions please. Xx

Nothingness

Hello blog land

This is just a real quickie to say thank you for all the messages of support. I'm not doing very well but trying to keep really really busy so that I can hold myself together. I've eaten a ton of crap, spent a fortune on my credit card, done some very odd things, been really lax with the house work (seriously its's bordering on being a health hazard) and cried myself to sleep every night. 

I'm still not really ready to accept it is over. I'm holding on to the theory that time and space can work miracles. I have friends who laugh when I say that. Maybe because I said something similar when Ed disappeared but the difference here is that I know the reason and it's a crappy one. Neither of us (yes I do mean neither of us) want this and I'm all for finding a solution but he can't see one right now. I know this is no solution though. 

I've been applying for jobs still but no real luck. My heart isn't in it. I do like the freedom from paperwork of being a supply teacher but it is a fat lot of use without someone to spend your evenings and weekends with. 

In other news, fish boy (sorry I'm on the blogger app and no idea how to put in links so you'll have to not know or go back and search) has been an amazing friend of late. He has been texting a lot to check how I am and taken me out drinking when it's been needed. There is nothing there anymore from my part at least. My poor little broken heart is still full of Andy. Not even lust. It's just good to have him care. 

Hope you are all well. I miss you xxxx

Heart broken

Andy and I split up last night. I'll write another blog about it later but for now I'm just trying to get everyone told.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Xx

Wordles

I think these are so fun. Julie and  

Sarah G have both done them. As Julie 

said, they don't seem to go back very 

far but I still think they are great fun.

I may do another when I've done a few 

more entries to see the difference.

To create your own go to wordle.net, 

click create and paste in your blog link.

Ten Things Thursday

From the pre-pregnancy brain of the lovely Laura, we have the amazing triple T!!!!!!

10 completely random things from the depths of my mind in any old order.

1)    I have an interview next week for a Senior Leader teaching post. I am too expensive/experienced to be getting regular teaching jobs and going for a promotion is possibly the only way to get back a class of my own. I'm not sure I'm ready for the pressure and commitment but I'll give it my best shot.

2)    It pisses me off that people have been telling me about the evils of my trip to see the dolphins. I get that dolphins would be happier in the wide open sea but I went. Making me feel bad about going is not going to change the fact that I went or the fact that these places exist.

3)     I've been stuck on this 4 pics 1 word for like a month.

4)     I got stung by some fire coral while I was diving in Cozumel. It stung like a ***** and 2 weeks on it is still itchy and looks like this. Attractive huh?

 

5)     I need to clean my house big time but the hoover is broken and I don't do chasing balls of cat hair around with a broom.

 6)     I was working in a school I spent 3 weeks in in February/March today. The class has some "real characters" in and one is referred to by his teacher as the devil child. I had the nicest day with them and I was expecting to be in tears by lunch. I love it when things work out that way round.

7)     No reply@blogger.com sucks big time. If you have your settings so that nobody can see your email, it doesn't post your address on the site, it barrs bloggers from replying directly to your comments on their blogs without commenting you having to go back and check or needing to comment again or having the conversation in a public place.

8)     One more whole week and then it's BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY!!!!!!!! Whoop whoop. I love the first May bank holiday. Fingers crossed the weather is good enough to make the most of it.

9)     The weather has been really lovely here since I got back from Mexico. Today it was 25* at 5pm when I was on my way home and much higher earlier. We even went on a walk to the shop and got ice lollies at lunch.

10)   A certain bandster who may/may not have inspired my internet dating attempts was after pictures of Andy. He's not good with photos and I don't have a nice one of him I've taken. My attempts end up like this ...

Even the cat thinks he's being an idiot. Love him anyways though.

Mexico holiday pictures

So over Easter, I went to Riviera Maya in Mexico with one of my best friends and her family for her little brother's wedding. Part of the holiday was utterly fabulous but I will not be in any rush to go away with someone else's family again; too much drama for my liking.

Sorry if you've seen these pictures on FB but blogger isn't playing nicely and uploading from the hard drive.

Xcaret nature park

Chichen Itza

Wedding day

Diving

Me and my bestie

I keep telling Andy, I love a man with stubble

Flying foot push with dolphins. They lifted me clear out of the water and it was absolutely incredible.

This particular friend and I met about 10 years ago at ww. She has been at goal twice and gained back all the weight again. She is going through a bad patch. She's had depression and binges on everything in sight. Even being a bridesmaid at the wedding has not helped her focus on losing. She is hugely jealous of my surgery and takes any weight loss advice I give her now with a pinch of salt. After all, it's easy for me now, isn't it! lol. In truth though, I'm not sure the band would help. We all know that those lovely naughty binge food goodies go down when nothing else will and that's the stuff she can't stay away from.

Me and my bestie 6 weeks before my surgery

Do people who know you've had surgery, find it hard to accept your advice? How do you inspire them?

Old habits die hard

So today I woke up to a new low on the scale, 13 stone 3 3/4 or 185.8 and in my almost traditional way, I celebrated by scoffing my face with brownies. One day this will get easier.

A few quick things

I am back.I have renewed insight and determination about getting to goal.

I had a blast in Mexico.

 

I had a major over-night tightening and had to had 1.45ml taken out when I got home.

I've asked to the doctor to go back on the anti anxiety meds I was taking before surgery; he agreed.

I've started going to counseling sessions.

I still love Andy (A2) lots and he loves me and it's all fairly nausiating.

I am still job hunting.

I want to get all this "out there" but I will do a proper post tomorrow and fill in some of the details. I know you're all dying to know.

Motivation wanted ... will pay £££

I have been a bad blogger ... again.

I've been busy with work and Pampered Chef stuff and applying for jobs and Andy but nowhere near busy enough to not blog. I've been ill but not properly in bed, off work type ill. Just fed up and tired and in need of an early night.
It's all excuses and rubbish ones at that.

The real reason I haven't been here is shame. I am failing. I want to diet but I can't find any willpower. I'm not hungry. I have a really good level of restriction. I just want to eat crap. I know it is all in my head but I can't get over it. I don't psych myself up for the gym enough. It seems at the moment the "blustery wind"
(read icy Siberian gales) mean I just need to come home and curl up under a blanket.


I go to Mexico in 19 days!!!!!! 19!!!!! And I have lost 3 lbs of my 21 lbs target. Pathetic. Rubbish. I should hang my head in shame. I mean that has to be some of the best motivation ever, right?

But my boyfriend loves me and I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years. Maybe for the first time ever. I will get there, eventually. Not in time for Mexico. Maybe not by the summer but I am still winning the war.

Half term craziness

How is it that the half term week off becomes an insane week of trying to do every job under the sun?

I had coffee with a friend this morning and a lovely little snack lunch with friends after. Just as I got home and was getting ready to go to the gym, I got a frantic phone call from another friend who was stuck with her husband and 3 year old in a town 10 miles from me (25 miles from her house) with no way of getting home. They had been there for over an hour and it had taken them 2 hours to get there from London (should have taken 30 minutes). I boldly went to her rescue. I've not been to rescue somebody in quite a while. It was really exciting but by the time I got home again, I had lost all will for the gym.

How do you keep the will, when you could just give up?

Love is all around

Hello Blogland, happy belated Valentine's day. I am a very happy and extremely lucky girl. I have been trying hard with my shake diet but I haven't mastered the self restraint I showed on day 3.

Andy and I had a really wonderful 3 course dinner (Baked Camembert, lamb shanks in garlic, rosemary and red wine gravy with green veg and minted new potatoes and a raspberry, cream and chocolate topped shortbread dessert). I went to a great deal of effort. It was really important to me that I made an effort. I didn't want it to be like any other date night. I even got dressed up. He was in a foul mood though. He turned up with roses and was really sweet until I gave him his presents. Then he turned into some hideous ungrateful monster. I took the present bag back off him and only gave it back once he snapped out of it. That only happened once he realised how much effort I had put into dinner. Boys are silly sometimes. Other times they do silly sweet things that melt your heart.

Just in case you don't know, peanut butter chocolates are new to the UK. Andy has a stash of the tiny little miniature ones . I only ever have one or 2 at a time. I will be strong. I am on half term break this week. I will go to the gym every single day. I have one chocolate per day. 44 calories each. I can work that off easy peasy. It's a nice little treat though and much more helpful than his previous "just don't eat it" or "I'm not coming over if you don't go to the gym comments."

We had a proper Sunday dinner yesterday. He bought a joint of topside of beef. I can hear you all rolling your eyes. I cooked it. Parts of it was tender but, yes, I got stuck fairly quickly. And of course not just a little stuck. I hadn't noticed right away (so sue me I was hungry and not taking enough notice).  I really like that we can be open enough with each other now. The first conversation went like this:

(I get up and walk out of the living room)
A: You ok?
Me: Depends on how you define ok.
A: You going to throw up?
Me: Yep.
A: Ok. (Carries on eating dinner)

Four trips to the bathroom later the offending piece finally dislodged itself. I had managed to make a bit of a drama out of the whole thing though. I was even at one point curled up next to him on the sofa with him checking it had happened before and I didn't need rushing to A&E.

I finished at my school on Friday. I had a ton of presents and cards. These are just about half of them. Can you say spoiled rotten?

I shall miss my class like crazy. They were real sweeties but I am excited about what might or might not come next. I have so much more confidence than I did when I left my last school and I am certain I will find just the right job soon. For now I think doing some supply and not half a ton of planning and assessment stuff will be a welcome change. More time for getting to the gym on a daily basis.

Hmmmm. Maybe it's not such a good thing ;o) xx

Day 3 aka some people are evil.

I had 3 cupcakes left on my desk over the course of today. Birthdays are a big deal when you're turning 7 and lots if families have been baking as we have been learning to weigh and measure. They are all trying to kill me with kindness, I tell you.

But no. I did not eat any cupcakes today. Nor did I smell or gaze longingly at them. I removed them and carried on.

Only 51 days until Mexico and then I shall eat cake and ice cream and bread and rice and chocolate and drink cocktails and wine and anything else my little skinny tummy desires. 😋

Day 2.

I've had a rubbish day. A lot of work stuff is getting on top of me and I miss Andy a ton. He calms me down without even realising it and without him to talk to, I'm getting very anxious. C'est la vie. He'll be home on Saturday. He sends me lovely looking pictures when he can and I get really jealous. Until I remember that I am going to somewhere much warmer in just 52 days!!!!

I met a friend for coffee after work. She tried to tempt me with yummy cakey goodness. I did not succumb. I had a plain black coffee and a glass of water. I did treat myself to a plain 170 g chicken breast and 40 g of cheddar for dinner at 8:30. Carb free and totally in keeping with the Cambridge shakes.

I also bought myself some ketostix on the way home and as of 8 pm tonight. I am showing traces of being in ketosis. 48 hours people. That's not bad going.

I may have bought myself a little holiday treat too.

Do you love it?

Cambridge Diet day 1

Yes. Today has been hard. REALLY HARD! In all seriousness though, I actually don't think its been harder than any other being good day. I had cravings that wouldn't go away but I didn't give into them which has been the only thing they have known for the last few weeks/months. I was hungry but not ravenous (thank you band).

I had a fruits of the forest shake for breakfast, apple and cinnamon porridge for lunch and a chocolate mint shake for dinner. I turned down cake and the cheese and bacon calzone I helped cook at my Pampered Chef team meeting.In my head I just keep telling myself 53 days to Mexico. 53 days to Mexico.

I know tomorrow will be harder still but ketosis cannot be too far away.

And none of this is as bad as how much I miss Andy right now. He's skiing and without wifi and so I am without texts and phone calls bar the odd snippet. I can't whinge at him when I will be away for 2 weeks but I really don't think it's fair! :o(  Please don't leave me a whole load of comments telling me to suck it up and behave like a grown up, I know I do. I am trying. Honest!

Monday motivation.

Well my new found motivation from the new year didn't last so well did they. I've been really struggling. I am fighting to keep at the weight I was when I got back from Florida in August and I go to Mexico in less than 8 weeks. Everywhere I go people are tempting me with cake and biscuits like they never have before. I cannot hold my day together enough to scrawl a sentence or 2 on here let alone work out for any extended period although I have been better at the gym than blogging.

Today, I did something drastic and very naughty for a bandster. I went to see my old Cambridge diet lady and have put myself back on a shakes and meal replacements. In all honesty, I don't know if I'm doing it because I need the sugar detox or because I need to reset the general sorts of foods I am eating. My plan is to do it for a couple of weeks and then gradually reintroduce some protein foods until I am working the keto thing Ronnie styleeeeee. Of course I may keep at it all the way until Mexico. I want AT LEAST 21 lbs off. I have some old summery clothes that will fit at that weight and some new bikinis which will look a lot better there rather than where I am now.

I haven't told A2 yet (or Andy as he will be known from now on). I don't think he will approve at all. He's skiing this week and I miss him like crazy but since I am away for 2 weeks laying by a pool and jumping in the ocean in a bikini without him, I have to grin and bear it. I've discussed it with my consultant and she thinks it might be worth if I have to eat (usually once/twice a week) I stick to a very strict carb free plan. He will understand that. My work colleagues will understand that at our work meal on Friday. I can work round that on Valentine's day. In the mean time, I can force myself to stick to this. I can. I will.

Has anyone else done a shake diet post band? Was it better/easier than pre band? I'll be posting here. I'm going to try and do something little every day.

Finally, I just want to say a massive congratulations to Ronnie. She was my major motivation in trying online dating. I hope Andy and I can be as happy as you and Stephen are. And also to Laura . You are going to be one pretty amazing mummy my girl. I'm majorly excited for you and can't wait to read all your baby blog installments.

I've got to do some catch up blogging but that will take time. Sorry if I've missed anyone. xx

Universal truths

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.
-- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

I'm feeling rubbish. Lack of sleep and not so good eating. Thankfully I can allow myself a night on the sofa with bones tonight. I need to do something more proactive about losing weight though. Eating crap and wishing it away doesn't work so well, even with the odd bit of exercise thrown in. I am not hungry. It's all in my head but my sane side isn't winning. Xx

Spanner in the works.

Don't you just hate it when things do not go to plan?

I'm behind with my school work because I was enjoying myself far too much (having fun with A2, working out and watching TV) over Christmas to get it done - d'oh!

We started back today with a day of meetings. There was no coffee in the staff room. At break time I headed down to the dining room where we were being given chocolate croissants. Yum. Then at lunch I choose the ravioli (a small portion) rather than the burger and wedges but was then given a chocolate doughnut.

I was cross with myself after I ate it. I texted A2 about how they were trying to corrupt my good intentions.
"Just don't eat it!" he said.
"Thanks babe," I replied, "that hadn't occured to me."

Later this afternoon I was given some sad ish news. It's been expected but I'm a little sad nonetheless. The teacher I am covering for is hoping to return to work after the half term break in February. I'm loving it so much at this school with my lovely class, I shall really miss them. I am pleased she is better though. That's a good thing. I just wish there were jobs for both of us.

In other news, our very own Beth has started a new blog. Stop by and say hello.